Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It has been a while, But today was one of those days that I woke up and thought...

Was that real?

Am I really having twins?

Unlike the last time I woke up and had that feeling, I did not get the urge to throw up and then have a good cry.... Rather, this time I just smiled!

I'm not sure if my initial reaction is a normal reaction to finding out that you are carrying two babies. But I must admit that my first reaction was nearly dread, How could this be? I was already feeling overwhelmed that we would be adding a fourth child to our family, So how could this happen!? Five, I was going to have FIVE children!?

Now that I have had a couple weeks to get used to the idea, although I'm still overwhelmed at how I will manage 2 newborns and 3 older children, I am now also starting to get excited! We will have double the first smiles, double the baby giggles, and HOPEFULLY a couple little girls for mommy to do girl things with! I know I have probably jinxed myself by saying that I hope it is girls, But I really truly do. I also hope that if these babies are not indeed girls, that God will help me come to terms with the fact that I will not be getting a daughter.

When I thought we were having one baby I was okay with another boy, I actually HOPED for another boy. Because I KNOW boys, I can DO boys.

Since finding out that I am carrying TWO babies however it seems greed has gotten the better part of me. I find myself saying that I better get my girl, because really, all that I've ever wanted is a daughter, and if I give birth to FIVE children and don't get a daughter I will not be impressed.

I don't want to feel like that.

I know that these babies are a blessing and their sex should be the LEAST important thing to me... I just wish my heart could FEEL that. Does that make sense? Maybe one of you moms out there will get it, and hopefully before my next ultrasound I will have a change of heart. I love these babies irregardless, and if they are in fact boys, the LAST thing I want to feel at my next ultrasound is disappointment, because there are FARRRRR worse things out there that I could have to deal with than not getting my daughter.

1 comment:

Nadia said...

I get it. 3 boys and a step son of my own, and you can't help but wonder, what if? :) A child that pees sitting down? WHAAAATTTT??? lol
Take it day by day, and connect to that belly of yours!