9 years old

Today...

I was cleaning Keatons room.

I know technically he is old enough to do so himself... but I like to help otherwise things just get piled and don't actually get sorted through.

So when sorting his bedside table I found a small piece of paper taped to his lamp. It read:

Dear Keaton,
turn on lamp.
Love, Keaton


That is all.

11 Months

K+K... Last week you turned 11 months! We were on holidays so mommy didn't get a chance to blog or do your photo session yet.

Kullen, You got tooth #3, ANOTHER bottom one... and I'm pretty sure #4 is close (on the bottom as well, still nothing up top)

Knox, You got your second tooth, the bottom left... which was also Kullens second tooth. You're also drooling like a madman so I'm sure there are more on the way!

You both had your first haircuts! It messed mommy up for a couple days because that was one of the easier ways to tell you two apart...

Kullen - You've been doing quite a bit of standing, mainly when it involves food that you need to use two hands for so you can't hold onto anything. You can now stand up from sitting all by yourself in the middle of the floor.

Knox- You stand too! You've only done it a couple of times but you'll be a pro soon! You're still at the point that when you REALIZE you're standing it scares the heck out of you and you scramble to hold onto something or sit down.
Both of you boys walk along furniture like no ones business, Went on your first camping trip... Figured out how to escape your screen gazebo mom had set up with a rug/toys/playpen by crawling under the screen wall.

There is ONE stair going down to our porch, Knox , you take it head first and slither like a little snake until your feet drop off and you're completely down it... Kullen, you just sit at the top of that one stair and yell until someone lifts you down it so you can be with your brother.

Month 11 has also lead to a new, rather cute discovery. You boys LOVE to sing. La la la la, Da da da da, Ma ma ma ma... If we start singing you will both sing along and it is the CUTEST thing ever.

Asthma

Yesterday was our long awaited appointment with an Asthma specialist for Kyler... we've been trying to get some answers for quite a while and figure out something that would work consistently  for him to no avail... So to say I was excited for this appointment is an understatement.

What did we learn?

-Kyler beyond a doubt has Asthma. (Duh)

-Kyler has a Heart Murmur!

-Many of the symptoms we have been having real issues with, and were told were related to his asthma are NOT.

-His heart Murmur is loud... and she does not know how it has not been picked up before...It also does not sound like a 'normal' heart murmur. The way the doctor described it to Tyson is that most heart murmurs sound sort of like a constant wave... His is very... Harsh I suppose... Don't laugh at my diagram below... This is just sort of how she described what a 'normal' heart murmur sounds like versus kylers.

-She said that the fevers / 120 breaths a minute / elevated heart rate / inability to get his oxygen levels up when he is hospitalized for the Asthma are not related to his Asthma... only aggravating it... and that there is something else going on aside from Asthma here. So I would like to thank all the doctors that made us feel like absolute POO for 'waiting so long to bring him in' every time we show up to the ER with our lethargic little guy... because apparently YOU don't really know what you're dealing with either.


So although we got some very unexpected news... we at least have a game plan now.

Kyler has been completely taken off of his inhalers and will use only a nebulizer(daily) for now. We are waiting to hear in the next day or so when we meet with the Pediatric cardiologist... and when we go for that appointment they will also be doing allergy testing for the Asthma, as well as blood work to check for something related to the possible heart issues...aaaand... something else. I cant remember.

The Asthma Specialist will then meet with some of the other doctors as well as the pediatric cardiologist and they'll all put their brains together to figure out whats going on.

So that's where we're at. I'm crossing my fingers that it's just in innocent murmur... but after googling murmurs and symptoms of heart defects... I would not be surprised one BIT if it's heart related...because out of all the symptoms I've read online... Kyler has the majority. I'll just be glad to get answers...and I'll be even HAPPIER if it's not his heart.

So that's where we're at... Please say a little prayer that it's nothing :)

10 months old

Knox and Kullen, Kullen and Knox... You are TEN months old. I don't know where the time has gone!
Kullen... You just got your second tooth so now have your bottom two

Knox... You have your first tooth... The bottom right... which was also Kullens first tooth... Yours came  a couple weeks after your brothers... so if you keep on the  same teething schedule you should have your second tooth before we know it!

Knox... You just learned to walk forwards in the walker and have such a blast.

You both have the craziest hair right now... I like to call you guys 'the Donald' It is very fitting.

Kullen... You love to hide your face in the crook of mommy's neck and hum along with her...

You both say Mom, Dad and Bob... wave buh-bye... and love cheerios. Today you tried grapes for the first time and it looks like they may be a new favorite!

Kullen... two days ago you discovered the cupboard that I keep the toaster in. You must think you've hit the mother load because a couple times a day I catch you in there with crumbs mashed all over your face chewing on the days finds. I'm sorry to say, today Knox discovered your secret so now you will have to share your stale toast crumbs. Oh darn it!

So many things have happened in these past 10 months and I must say it's been a blast... cant wait to see what month 11 brings

Our twin breastfeeding journey

This has to be some sort of a record...I blogged TWICE today. I know. I deserve an award :)

ANYWHO...If you don't want to hear me go on and on and on about breastfeeding skip this post...it's long...and really not all that exciting...unless breastfeeding is 'your thing' Then go ahead and listen to me complain :) I guess not every breastfeeding journey is a happy one!

So... This isn't really my blogging style but I've got many thoughts on my mind regarding all of the struggles we had with breastfeeding, and figured I may as well get them all out in one place...I apologize now as this is long, but let me go back to the beginning.

TUESDAY,August 16th

*We were induced at 9am... The babies were born in the afternoon... 36weeks 3 days... At whopping 6lbs 9oz and 6lb 15oz. To every ones surprise they were both doing GREAT and didn't need anything (There were problems pre-birth with both babies that led us to induction and we believed they would need a great deal of care after birth)
*After birth I tried nursing constantly... Knox would latch alright... Kullen tried but really wouldn't do anything. I had nursed my other three boys exclusively with no problems so this was a surprise to me... I asked the nurses for help several times and they really didn't listen to me...or seem to care when I told them my 36 week infant would NOT eat.
*I noticed the babies were tongue tied ( I checked for this because my husband is tongue tied) and asked the nurse if that was why we were having issues. She let them suck on her finger and said it was 'fine'

WEDNESDAY

*Kullen still wouldn't nurse. The nurses still didn't seem to see the problem...and pushed formula.
*The pediatrician came to see the babies...I mentioned I was concerned he was not eating... She let him suck her finger and then told me the tongue tie was fine...and was not affecting his sucking reflex despite the fact that he wasn't nursing.
*We were discharged at 6pm.... just over 24 hours after giving birth to twins nearly 4 weeks early

(this is the most scared I have ever been in my life! Driving home... 2 hours away from the hospital...the day after our induction because of problems with the babies... with TWO 36 week infants... one of whom STILL was not nursing... But I figured that the health care professionals know best and wouldn't send us home if they had any doubts about the babies health)

SATURDAY

*Neither twin was really eating well... We were supplementing Kullen with formula as he would scream like we were hurting him while trying to get him to nurse. I noticed both babies were looking yellow and took them to the ER
* Both boys had lost about 1lb! The nurse assured us this was 'normal' and they should be back up to birth weight by a week old.
*We were hospitalized for 4 days for Jaundice and to try to get babies weights up... Since neither was nursing well we were made to supplement them both as they had lost so much weight.

In the 2 weeks that followed we went to the Dr every few days to check on weight gain and thankfully the boys started gaining at a great pace. Unfortunately... as much as I was trying to breastfeed, Kullen was still refusing it and my milk supply was suffering.

Fast forward 6 weeks... full of pain and screaming babies... but I was determined not to give in... I just took it one day at a time not allowing myself to give up and we would get this figured out eventually.

After another unsuccessful breastfeeding session with Kullen, I was giving him a bottle and noticed his mouth was bleeding. That is when I noticed that the tie underneath his tongue had ripped! At the next feeding he nursed like a champ compared to before!

It took 6 long...emotionally charged...painful weeks but I thought we were finally there... we had it figured out and it was going to get easier now!

After that I struggled for another 2 months to get my supply up... The boys were nursing better...I was pumping... took fenugreek... nursing constantly and the boys still weren't getting enough and I was continually upping their formula. They would nurse good one feeding and refuse it the next... screaming like they were in pain..

I decided formula was going to be a part of our life despite my best efforts...and just continued breastfeeding and then topping them up with formula after the feeding.

Fast forward to 9 months old. They had slowly been weaning themselves and just a couple weeks ago got to the point where they flat out refused to nurse... So I cut my losses...patted myself on the back for trying so long...and a couple weeks ago gave up.

Today... I was looking on google...and discovered both boys are also lip tied.

Please tell me where our health care professionals learned to brush off mothers concerns without a second thought. I am so angry that I missed out on what could have been so rewarding all because the knowledge wasn't there as to what the problems were... and when I asked for help was told:
a)Their tongue ties were not the problem... and
b) not once did anyone look for or mention a lip tie to me.

We need to educate moms...I knew all along that something wasn't right... breastfeeding was NEVER that hard for me... and only when it is too late did all of the variables that were running against us come into play. It just really makes me sad!

So if you're still here...listening to me go on ...and on... AND ON...My Point is... Boobies and Coffee(Although I've never actually made it to a meeting...just read the FB page)... Thank you for your group... I learned about lip ties there... Never would have known otherwise...and unfortunately I looked at the babies lips too late... But I want to thank you none the less... It's an awesome group and you're going to help so many mommas!

Regrets

another woman I know with twins recently wrote a post regarding her regrets as a mother... and it has me thinking.

Regrets... what are mine... and do I want to live with any more?

One of the biggest regrets of my life.... Never before have I felt so guilty.. as in the weeks that followed after I found out we were expecting twins. I felt so completely overwhelmed... with 3 children already... time was tight and I was stretched thin doing things with/for them... I couldnt even fathom the ways adding 2 infants to that mix would affect them and my ability to be there for them....

*They had to take a year off from hockey because we just didnt have enough time/hands/money with new babies in the house.
*I have missed numberous family days/plays/presentations at school.
*Keaton came home and told me Kolby was crying at lunch (two seperate times) because all the other families were there and I wasn't.
*There have been MANY nights when I didn't tuck them in or read them a bedtime story
* I missed field trips for prenatal appointments... Their Christmas concert because I was in the hospital with Knox
*There has been homework left undone, tests failed at school, hot lunch orders missed... all because mom was so busy and forgot, or couldnt help them to study.
*We had to move to a bigger place... leaving their friends in the old neighborhood...and starting next year... Leaving all of their friends and switching to a new school.

It's been a whirlwind of a (almost) first year... and without much for help there have been a lot of things that my big boys had to miss out on... And now that I look back on it... as sad as it makes me that I couldnt be there for them in the way I wanted to and used to be... I'm also filled with SO MUCH JOY... because I look at how much those big boys love those babies... I look at how much fun they have pushing them in the stroller or holding their hands to help them walk...and I know that none of that other stuff counts. That is not the stuff they will remember. Our family is complete... Mom is a little scatterbrained... our days are busy... and they have to help out more than I'm sure any other 5,7 and 9 year old do... But they're happy... the babies are happy... I'm happy... and that's all that matters. No matter how many things don't go my way, or I wish I could do differently... as long as I have 5 smiling little faces every day I dont care how dirty my floors are or how many library books I lose... We've got the best gift of all. Each other.

When life looks down,
when times get tough,
when things don't go your way...

Take those times,
take those moments,
and save them for a better day.

Let them be your guiding light,
they'll help you go a ways...

Don't let life's drops take you down,
just let them pave your way.

-Elisha Hawryluk-



It's cheesy... But life can give you lemons and you can either pucker up your lips and put a sour look on your face... or you can make some DELICIOUS lemonade and get on with it.

Life doesn't go exactly according to any ones plan.

If it did, I would be a Lawyer, only would have been married 3 years, and would have just had baby number 2. That was my life 'plan'.

God had something else in store...and despite the absolute chaos and exhaustion that consumes me every day... I thank him... because I could not have dreamed up a better life for myself... Bad days and all.

I have a HUGE beautiful family...5 amazing little men, a husband that infuriates me beyond belief, but also makes me giggle, supports me, and loves me to no end, and a job that could not be more perfect for me.

If you're having a bad day today, just take a moment and think of something that makes you happy... If everyone focused on being happy as much as many focus on complaining about the bad times, this world would be such a wonderful place!

Bad Dreams

You know the nightmare, where you wake in the middle of the night to find someone hovering ominously over you from right beside your bed... just staring at you creepily while you sleep...and you wake up and scream because you're sure you're about to be stabbed?

Yeah?

That one.

Well It happens here at least once a week... Keaton apparently like to scare the living heck out of me rather than saying something like "Hey, Mom...wake up"